My Son has a Death Wish

First of all, welcome to the new blog layout. I hope you like it.

Second of all,

Holy Crap My Son is Making Me Crazy!!

Tommy is an extremely wiggly baby. And when I say wiggly I mean, he is constantly going. He can't quite crawl yet (though I predict he will by the end of the week- no joke!) but he just goes, and goes, and goes. 

They call it "Hyperactive" or "High Need." Anyone else have a hyperactive baby? This website has some good information about it- finally I feel like there must be other people out there dealing with this, and I'm not totally alone. 

Some parts that describe us fairly well: 

The cry of a high need baby is not a mere request, it's an urgent demand. These babies put more energy into everything they do. They cry loudly, feed voraciously, laugh with gusto, and protest more forcefully if their needs are not met to their satisfaction. Because they feel so deeply, they react more powerfully if their feelings are disturbed. "If I don't feed him as soon as he fusses, he falls apart" is a common statement from the mother of such a baby. 

Tommy doesn't cry the way you normally think of a baby crying. When he wants something, he literally yells at us. In this obnoxious-but-sometimes-adorable-and-hilarious little baby language until we meet the need. It often makes us laugh. But if we don't do it quickly enough and he does cry? Read on.

After a while, I found myself going into over-drive instantly whenever she cried, because I knew if it got out of control she'd quickly disintegrate and it would take her a long time to come back around. I became obsessive in trying to prevent her from getting upset in any way because there was hell to pay if she did.

This is us, 100%. When Tommy wakes up only 20 minutes into his nap, we try to get to him with a pacifier before he wakes up enough to cry. Otherwise that nap was completely worthless, because we'll spend the next hour trying to calm him/get him to sleep. And then the rest of the day is messed up, and I am not a happy mommy.

About 3 months. "Yelling."

Also, cry-it-out does not work for Tommy. I've tried it. No matter how long you let him "cry it out," he will not. settle. down. Period. My mom even flew out here a few weeks ago to grant me some sanity and sleep by dealing with Tommy during the night, and one day while Nate and I were out, she tried CIO. When we got home, even she agreed that it doesn't work with him. And she's the Baby Whisperer.

"Why do high need babies need more of everything but sleep?" groaned a tired mother. You would think that high need babies would need more sleep; certainly their tired parents do.

This might be our biggest problem. I don't know what the deal is, but hyperactive babies, as tired as you would expect them to be, SUCK at sleeping. Tommy literally CANNOT make himself relax. No matter how tired he gets. And once he does fall asleep, he wakes up. During the day its after very short periods- 30 or 40 minutes, sometimes resulting in a total daily naptime of about 2-3 hours. At this age he "should be" getting about 4. I wish. And during the night, he wakes up over and over because he moves all over the place. Hyperactive babies are restless. I have to go in multiple times a night to give him his pacifier so he'll go back to sleep. Therefore I may be in bed for 7 hours, but with all the interruptions its sometimes like being awake all night.

And this: HI Mom!! I only slept for 5 minutes but I feel SO Refreshed!

Swaddling doesn't help, because he can get out of all of them. Even the velcro ones, even the uber-velcro ones. We have to do a blanket swaddle to get him to sleep, because if his hands are out he rubs his face over and over, takes out his pacifier, and just keeps himself awake. Then he gets his arms out in his sleep and proceeds to roll around. And I've tried many times to get him to sleep unswaddled, and it probably only worked twice. When he was ridiculously exhausted. And I'm pretty sure I was too. AND he didn't stay asleep for long.

Isn't this thing supposed to keep me restrained?

SO.
(Still reading?)
When Tommy was younger, we could rock him almost to sleep, and put him in his crib while he was still slightly awake, and he would go to sleep the rest of the way on his own. It was great. Sometimes it took a long time to get to that point, but things were relatively good. Tommy was learning to go to bed without needing us to get him all the way out.

Then about 4 weeks ago, Tommy started flipping out if we tried to put him down while he was still slightly awake (another High Needs Baby tendency: separation sensitivity). He would burst into tears and we would have to start all over with a baby that was practically inconsolable. His crying felt like he was having his heart broken- Mommy is leaving me all alone in this bed and I'm never going to see her again ever! I felt like I was breaking his trust. I quickly gave up this ridiculous game because I couldn't take it anymore, and went ahead and rocked him all the way to sleep. In a rocking chair, in my lap, in a blanket-swaddle, with soothing music playing on my phone. And there I sit, replacing his pacifier over and over while he cries, until he finally falls asleep, and then after about ten minutes (for fear of him not being asleep enough and freaking out all over again) I go put him in his crib.

The only way he will fall asleep. After much fussing.

And this, friends, is where I am still stuck. Thank goodness my parents got me an iPhone, so I can at least entertain myself for the crazy amount of time I spend in that chair (and thank goodness its a cushy couch rocker thing and not hard wood!).

But this too, is starting to fall apart. It's starting not to work. Naptime and bedtime are getting harder again, and I'm running out of ideas. The last two nights in a row, we haven't been able to get him to sleep till about 10:30! He used to be asleep by 8 or 8:30, which was so nice, but now he pretty much just fights us that whole time. (Even leaving him alone doesn't work- like I said, he can't self-soothe). The worst part is that its obvious that he's super tired, but for whatever reason he can't/wont sleep.

And SOME days (I'm almost done, I promise), I feel nothing but compassion for him. Oh, poor baby, what's wrong? Why wont you sleep?

Other days I have to leave the room and close the door so I wont hurt him! Sounds awful, doesn't it? You're probably not a mom.

And those days (yesterday) are the ones that I have a complete meltdown. I've yelled at him before- told him to shut up and go to sleep already! (He's only 5 months old!) And then I just completely fall apart and sob, because I know he's an innocent little baby and he can't help it. And I feel like an awful mother, and wonder how God could have entrusted me with such a sweet little baby when I have so many, many flaws.

I love my son. He is the biggest blessing in my life. But some days he is also the biggest frustration, and  sometimes I don't know how to handle it.

On a lighter note! We took Tommy swimming for the first time today, and although he wasn't too thrilled at first, he quickly cheered up and giggled whenever I popped out from underwater and surprised him. I'll post pics of that tomorrow.

I love this little stinker. With all of my heart. Even though some days I'm not sure he's going to see his first birthday, I would never go back to life without him. All of the frustration is worth it, even though sometimes that's hard to remember.

We Meet Again

Well hello there, blog friends!

I don’t know how all you “Mommy Bloggers” do it. I only have one child, and I can hardly make time to sit down and type out a blog post. It’s been 9 weeks since he was born and I’ve only written once! Perhaps its because I only have one child- I haven’t quite figured it all out just yet. Also, he gives me a little trouble with naptime during the day, so that’s a big part of it. Luckily he’s napping now, and I am cramming in some cereal and a quick post hopefully before he wakes back up.

And he’s awake.

I was just about to pour milk on my cereal. Glad I heard him before doing that, or I’d have some soggy cheerios.

...

Ok, I think we’re safe. Keeping my fingers crossed though! You know babies have a super power where they know the exact most inconvenient time to wake up and cry, like right after you put milk on your cheerios, or right when you finish making your sandwich for lunch. Or when you really have to pee. Luckily they can usually wait a couple minutes.

The other day Tommy kept refusing to nap, so I tied him to myself in a sling, hoping to get something done. After struggling with the stupid 5 yards of fabric for 5 minutes, as soon as I got him all tied down- he pooped. I’m telling you, they know.

Anyway! Life has been good and crazy. Since the last post, we’ve moved to Manhattan, Kansas and Nate has started his graduate research in Agronomy at Kansas State University. It’s going pretty well so far- he has already started writing his thesis. The best part for me is that he’s home in the mornings when Tommy’s up, so he takes him after I feed him to let me shower, and then he’s back early in the afternoon so we get to have him in the evenings too. It’s SO helpful and so nice to have his company! We always used to work at such different times that we almost only saw each other in passing, it seemed.

It was bittersweet to leave Virginia. Being at home with my parents was actually a lot easier than I originally expected it to be, and I really enjoyed being with them. Plus, they were super helpful with Tommy- my mom really is the Baby Whisperer. She and Tommy are best buds. I’m pretty sure he misses her. Just the other day I called her because he was in a happy, chatty mood, and I wanted her to hear him talk. As soon as he heard her voice he burst into tears! I like to think it’s because he misses her.

Being away from them is hard sometimes, but it’s also really nice to be back in our own little place as our own family unit. And it’s nice to have more than just a bedroom for all the stuff we own! We even have a dining room for the first time! And a dishwasher. Ah, the joys of life.

And we’re only a couple hours away from my sister and my aunts, and we’ve already visited them twice! My almost-thirteen-year-old nephew is already 6 feet tall. I can’t get over it.

[Tangent: On the way to Yara’s last time, there was a small herd of ZEBRAS on the side of the road! Of course there are about a million and a half cows all over the plains here, but all the sudden there were Zebras! How random is that? We think maybe someone raises them for the circus? Who knows!]

Let’s see, what else is going on... Like I said, Tommy is 9 weeks old now. He had his 2-month appointment a few days ago, and his stats are:

Height: 23.5” 71^st percentile

Weight: 12lbs 8oz, 69^th percentile

Head Circumference: 37½ cm, 5^th percentile.

Everyone thinks he's older than 2 months when they first meet him, because apparently he's a pretty big boy! Except for that little head- no, that’s not a typo for 50^th- Tommy’s head really is a teeny little peanut in the 5^th percentile. No giant Cloyd noggin over here! :)

He had to have two more shots and an oral vaccination too. Poor baby screamed his little peanut head off when they stuck him. He does not like shots. But who does??

Also, if you’ve seen the photos on Facebook, you know we went to the annual Wiener Dog Races out here, and it was awesome! It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Definitely going to go again next year. Then Tommy will be able to enjoy it too!

So there’s a quick little update. I’ll try to get back to blogging again more often!

Tommy's Birth Story

Hold onto your hats folks, 'cause I wrote a LOT.

Tuesday, March 27: The day before my birthday.

I went to the doctor for my last appointment before the induction. My original due date was April 6th, but for many reasons I had decided to go ahead and be induced on the 3rd. My body was ready; I was more than 70% effaced and already started to dilate. I was having contractions on a daily basis, and Baby was positioned low. Everyone including my doctor suspected he would come early anyway. Forgetting that I was a first-timer, my doctor actually even commented that I must have a history of fast deliveries, considering how everything was looking. He was surprised when I reminded him that this was my first. The comment gave me hope that when the time came, things would go quickly.

I had contractions all night long. This wasn’t extremely unusual, since I’d had them for a while already, and they weren’t particularly strong or consistent. Even still, I started to think that perhaps the baby might decide to share a birthday with me after all.

The 28th came and went, and there was no baby for my birthday. I didn’t even have many contractions through the day or night.

Thursday, March 29:

The morning started with a text message from Nate at about 6am that said, “You should have the baby today so I don’t have to go to work.” Yeah, yeah, that would be great for you, wouldn’t it? Little did we both know...

I was having contractions, but I went on a short trip running errands with a friend from about 11am till noon. While we were out I tried to downplay how strong they were getting, but it was difficult to hide them when I couldn’t talk through them very well. She wondered if she should take me to the hospital. I told her no- they weren’t that bad yet, and I would go home and wait it out a little longer. Maybe they would slow down when I got off my feet.

But once I got home, I was nervous that this was really happening and I wasn’t ready yet! My room was a mess and my hospital bag was only half-packed. So instead of resting, I spent about an hour or so working through my contractions, tidying and packing my bag with all the last minute things I might need. Just in case.

During all of this I was home alone and texting Nate back and forth, telling him that the contractions were getting pretty strong and frequent. I think he realized this might actually be happening when I finally told him I wasn’t sure at which point I should have him come home.

I took a break from cleaning my room and lied down on my bed to relax. I watched some of a Bollywood movie, Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, and hoped the awesome music would either calm things down or coax the baby out. My contractions slowed down significantly. Instead of about 5-7 minutes apart as they had been earlier, they came no more frequently than about every 15. Ok, maybe this wasn’t actually happening. They say Braxton Hicks go away when you rest, and that in real labor they don’t stop. Plus, the pain was all in my lower back anyway, not in my abdomen like I expected.

But after about an hour they started up again.

I started really paying attention to how often they came and how long they lasted. My mom came home, and I talked to her about it. She thought I should go in and get checked. I didn’t want to go and just get sent home, so I said no.

The hours went by, Nate got home from work, and the contractions continued to get stronger and stronger. I wanted to lay down with hopes that they would go away, but Nate and my mom encouraged me to stay moving to keep things going. I did my best, but I couldn’t stand up through them, and it was impossible to talk. No position I tried took away the pain. I asked my friend Ashley what her labor had been like, and she described everything I was going through almost exactly. When the contractions started to last for a minute or more each time and were pretty consistently 4-6 minutes apart, I decided to call my doctor. (It was about 6:30 pm.)

He called me back about 15 minutes later, I described what was going on, and he said, “Well, pack your bag and let’s get you checked in, Kiddo!” I was so relieved that the doctor on call that night happened to be one of the two I wanted (Dr. Gonzalez).

We arrived at the hospital at 7:00 pm, and had to wait around with me contracting in the hallway while all the nurses gabbed with some random pregnant girl who wasn’t due until July and was clearly not in labor, like me.  Apparently leaning on their counter grimacing while breathing through your contractions doesn’t mean you get to automatically cut in line. I was somewhat annoyed. But finally someone got me checked in and got me a room.

My dad posted this to Facebook to let everyone know I was in labor.

My nurse was named Kim, and she was really nice. I liked her a lot. I think it helped that she could make me laugh. Good bedside manner and a good attitude go such a long way! And she stayed cheerful the whole night, even into the early morning.

Anywho, Kim checked me a little after 7:00, and I was dilated to 5cm. This was definitely happening! They got me started on an IV, and that may very well have been the worst part of labor for me. Why? Because it freaking hurt! I have never had an IV put in the side of my wrist before, but I was completely unprepared for how much it would hurt. I thought it would be like any old shot in the arm. No no. When my dear nice Kim stuck me I practically screamed, “OW!” at the top of my lungs. It seriously was way worse than any of the contractions I had had, in terms of sudden, excruciating pain. I could handle the contractions way better. Four weeks later I've come to realize that she hit a nerve when she put it in, because my whole hand still tingles when I touch it or move it in certain ways.

After that awful event, Nate and I just hung out and talked for the next hour while we waited for them to come in and check me again, and when they did I had progressed to “between a 6 and 7.” Kim and Dr. Gonzalez commented on how quickly this was going for my first time. It was time to start the epidural if we wanted it to be effective by the time the baby was coming, in case I kept going so fast! I asked Dr. G how much worse my contractions would get, and this is where I had a momentary lapse in brain function.

He said they would probably stay about the same from now on, though they would come faster and closer together. I thought, “they aren’t exactly fun, but they’re totally manageable... Much easier than I expected. Maybe I don’t need the epidural after all!” (Nothing could be worse than that dang IV, right?)

Nate looked at me like I was crazy. Dr. G said it was “up to me!” and didn’t influence my choice one way or the other, which I was grateful for. He just told me I should decide sooner than later. The part that seemed to escape me was that a human being was about to come out of my vagina, and the stretching/tearing when it did would hurt. A lot. I was thinking the contractions would be it! Haha, silly me. Luckily Nate reminded me about that part (and even said, “do what you want... women have done it that way for thousands of years!”) and I came back to the reality that no, I did not want to feel that.

Ok, so the IV was bad because of the sudden, sharp terrible pain, but the epidural was bad for sheer scariness. I was petrified. I have heard so many awful horror stories about women who have been ruined for life because something bad happened when it was done that I just could not relax.

What if she hits something wrong and paralyzes me for life?

What if something happens to the baby??

WHAT IF I DIE?!

It didn’t help that the anesthesiologist was a brusque Helga of a woman who had no sympathy for my fear.

She had me sit on the side of the bed with my legs dangling over the side. Nate stood in front of me and I rested my head and one arm on each of his shoulders. My other hand was clenched in a death grip at his waist. I had about a thousand questions for the anesthesiologist about how she was doing it, what to expect, whether what I was feeling was normal or not, etc, etc... and she was super cold. I remember whispering a little prayer, “please don’t let anything bad happen” a couple times. Maybe I annoyed her with my distrust in her abilities. I guess I didn’t really need to be so scared, since nothing bad did happen, but I was.

Anyway, eventually that was over and I was now being pumped with drugs every few minutes. It is a really weird sensation to be able to feel things, but not feel them at the same time. You can feel touch and the pressure of the baby, but not pain. My contractions were much easier to deal with, since the only way I could tell they were happening was by touching my stomach and feeling it get hard.

Mom and Dad arrived sometime soon after the epidural, and Nate called my sister to tell her that if she wanted to be there for the birth, she better get driving, cause it could happen any time (she lives about an hour away). We wondered if he would come that night, or early the next day. I think the epidural slowed things a bit, because I no longer progressed as fast as I had been before, but there was still a change every time they checked me.

Friday, March 30: 39 Weeks exactly

By midnight I had progressed enough that now I just had to wait till I “felt like I had to poop really bad.” Ok, easy enough... By 1:00am, I finally felt enough pressure to start pushing, so Kim got me started on the first few before the doctor came in. During each contraction I would push as hard as I could three times, counting to ten for each. Nate and my mom each held one of my legs back.

Once Baby’s head was ready to come out, Kim called Dr. Gonzalez in. He calmly talked me through each contraction, told me what a good job I was doing, and sort of cheered me on by saying, “you can do it,” “just one more and he’s out!” and other such things. I really liked my doctor. He also worked carefully (this might be TMI) to help stretch me out so I wouldn’t tear badly, which was appreciated. I ended up only needed a few tiny stitches on the inside- not even a “first degree tear” it was so small, and no external tearing or episiotomy.

I remember when Dr. G said, “just one more and he’s out” that I decided he was right. On the next push, that baby was going to be here. I grasped onto that thought and waited for the next contraction to come, determined that it would be the one. When it did come, I pushed as hard as I possibly could, through all three counts to ten. The baby didn’t come out. I felt super disappointed that I hadn’t been able to make it the one.

I wasn’t going to let that happen again. I was so tired, and I couldn’t tell how hard I was pushing because of the epidural, but I was going to do this.

Nate later commented that he’d never seen my face so determined before.

The contraction came, I pushed HARD... and Dr. Gonzalez said, “stop!” It’s hard to suddenly relax when you’re in the middle of doing something so difficult, but I forced myself to stop pushing and wait for more instructions. I was afraid he had me stop because the cord was around the baby’s neck or something- was something wrong? But then he said, “ok, push gently,” and the baby was out!

Thomas Benjamin Dorsey was born at 1:22am on March 30^th, 2012, and he was beautiful. He hardly even looked like a newborn- he was perfectly pink with pudgy little arms and cheeks.

But something was wrong. He didn't cry. And they didn't place him on my chest like we had previously agreed to. My doctor called him “juicy” and a group of nurses took him off to the side to an "isolette." I couldn’t see very well because of my bedrail- why wasn't my baby crying and what were they doing? How much did he weigh? What were his Apgar scores? What the heck did "juicy" mean?

Apparently Tommy had a lot of fluid (and meconium) in his lungs so they were monitoring his breathing. He was “grunting,” and his little chest was pumping up and down furiously while his lungs tried to work right.

The weird thing is that even though I was worried about him, at the same time I felt completely calm. I had 100% trust in the doctors and nurses who were taking care of him, and somehow just knew he would be fine.

After a few minutes he finally cried- a short, angry sounding cry, like, “what are you doing to me?!” It really was one of the best sounds I’d ever heard. He would be ok.

They monitored him for about half an hour, and then prepared an incubator to take him off to the NICU to keep an eye on him longer.  At this point I still had not even gotten to touch my new baby, so before they put him in the incubator I asked, “Can I at least touch him first?” in a probably pretty pathetic-sounding voice. Nate spoke up and repeated the question, “can she hold him?”

So before they took my little one away to the NICU, they gave him to me for just a short minute. It was so wonderful to be able to hold this new little person! I still can’t believe he’s ours.

We went to visit Tommy at about 4am on the way to our room. He had monitors strapped all over him and breathing tubes in his nose. It was the saddest thing I’d ever seen! But he was doing very well and they suspected he would be fine by morning. We talked to him and held his hands- he was very feisty and kicked his legs and waved his arms around whenever you touched his hands or feet.

Poor baby!

They brought him to us at 9:00 the next morning and we finally got to keep him with us because he was stable. He looked so much better without all the tubes! They left his IV in for another day just in case he needed it, but he never did. We spent the weekend in the hospital dozing, hanging out with my parents, taking pictures of the baby, “Skyping” with family so they could see him, and watching General Conference on Nate’s laptop. It was a pretty decent time, and all the nurses gushed over how cute Tommy was.

He's even cute when he's angry.

Now we are home and after a month I’m starting to feel a little bit more confident in my mothering abilities. The first few nights at home were hard, but thanks to my amazing mom we both survived and are doing well.

Now since you made it through this massive post, here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure!

First time home!

Chillin' with Daddy

37 Weeks

I'm officially "full term!" So if Tommy decides to come before 40 weeks, he should be strong and healthy enough. That's always good to know.

At my appointment on Thursday we learned that I am 2cm dilated and 50% effaced. Glad to know my cervix works! I was also told that because everything is looking good and because el bebe is a healthy size, we can be induced any day on or after March 30th if we want! Oh man...it's actually kind of a tough decision! Nate's mom and sister get here on the 6th, and I know his mom was hoping to be here for the birth... but at the same time do I really want to delay meeting this little boy any longer than necessary? Slash do I want to have this belly any longer than necessary? Before the option to induce came up  I always said I really didn't want to have to use Pitocin if it was avoidable... but my doctor said this practice is careful about not overdoing it- they give it in very small amounts, supposedly. I like to think my doctor knows what he's talking about and wouldn't just say that if it wasn't true. Guess I wouldn't know until I tried though! AND if I am induced, I get to choose which of the 3 doctors will do the delivery. There is one that I definitely don't want, one that would be fine, and one that is preferred. So that's appealing too. I've heard a few comments for and against being induced- anyone else have any thoughts? I need to decide by Monday!

In other news, some of you may have noticed my little Etsy shop things on the blog. I opened a shop and I'm really excited about it! I started by selling onesies and toddler-sized t-shirts, but I've had lots of requests for bigger tees too. I hope to work my way up to that. I'm also getting ready to post stationery for sale, which is what I actually intended to do in the first place. When I painted one of my stationery designs on a onesie for my own little one, my family decided that I should try selling those too. If you like my stuff, please show a little love and "like" my page on Facebook! :) Thanks!

36 Weeks!

(and a half)

I am officially "9 months pregnant" and have 3.5 weeks to go!

I'm starting to feel more like a blimp, and there is definitely a slight waddle to my walk.

My feet aren't just wider now- they've grown longer, too! I can't fit in any of my shoes anymore! Thank goodness for flip flops, though they totally clash with my church clothes. Hoping my feet will shrink again once this is over, though buying myself all new shoes wouldn't be the worst thing... at least it's warm now so my toes don't freeze!

I have finally gotten stretch marks on my belly! (Not that I wanted them) They are right above my belly button and they're weird.

I snore. Also weird. I did not realize that pregnant women tend to snore. It startles me awake since I'm a light sleeper. Hope it goes away when this is over!

Had an appointment Thursday and everything is looking good! They will start to check to see if I'm dilated this week. Oh boy! ;)

My doc said that once the baby is full term (this Friday, woot!) as long as he's healthy and my cervix is progressing the way it's supposed to, I will have the option of choosing to be induced up to a week early! Crazy stuff. I like this idea because I feel like it would give me more control over which doctor happens to be "on call" when I deliver. However in all honesty, I don't think I want baby to come a whole week early, cause he would be too close to my own birthday and his Uncle Spencer's! I like keeping birthdays separate. I'm thinking about just "choosing" his due date if he doesn't come by then on his own. April 6th works for me (but ask me again in 3 weeks!)

I'm a little nervous that my cervix won't dilate. This happened to my mom, so she had to have C-sections with all of us. Hopefully I did not get that fun trait.

This post was going to include a picture of the gargantuan belly, but I have yet to take one. Maybe by the time I'm 37 weeks. I will try to not be so lazy and un-photographable.

Baby's Name: TBD

Well, it's probably about time I share our Baby's name! I honestly hesitate to do this a little bit, because I don't want anything to be "set in stone" until he is born. I don't even refer to him by his name yet. I still call him "Baby" more than anything else. What if he's something completely different when he's born? I guess we'll see!

We wanted to use a family name, so we've played with various combinations of Benjamin, Guy, Steven, Reynolds... and then one day I met a little boy named Tommy, and I loved it.

I asked Nate what he thought, and he liked it too. Thomas is a family name on my side, but we hadn't previously considered it at all. But when I imagine a little mini-Nate named Tommy Dorsey running around in a tiny pair of overalls, I can't help but get excited.

Perhaps my only small hesitation about naming him Tommy is that there is (was) another Tommy Dorsey. Luckily, he's famous for being a good musician and not a serial killer or something. I can deal with that. Besides, nobody our Tommy's age will have heard of him!

My favorite name previous to this was Benjamin, but even though I wanted it to, it just didn't seem to stick right. It's Nate's grandpa's name, and the name of one of my favorite and most looked-up-to cousins, so I really wanted to use it.

Well, why not Thomas Benjamin?

Thomas Benjamin Dorsey.
Tommy Dorsey.

So while it's currently still To Be Determined, it's looking like Baby's name will probably always be TBD. And we're ok with that. :)

34 Weeks: 6 Weeks.

I've spent so much of my pregnant life counting up weeks that it's hard to say when I actually switched to counting them down too. I think it was somewhere around the 30-week mark. And while it feels like hardly any time at all until the child arrives, I know these last few weeks are going to drag. I've had a super easy pregnancy with little-to-no issues, but man, once I hit 30-ish weeks, the change was pretty big. Probably because I'm pretty big. I thought I was huge was back at 20 weeks, and now when I look at that picture I can't believe how small I still was! Anyway, being so rotund has an effect on everything. 

My butt is bigger.
My back aches if I stand or sit or play with the dog for too long.
Nighttime is a nightmare- rolling over causes a contraction every time! (which is about every 2-3 hours; 4 if I'm lucky)
My hips hurt like a mother by about 5:00 every morning, so I want to sleep on my back but you're not supposed to... today I finally fell asleep propped up on about 5 pillows so I was able to give my hips some respite.
As mentioned in my last post, the baby can kick hard. I'm pretty sure my ribs might be bruised, because it hurts to touch them.
I have to go to the bathroom pretty frequently for what seems like less than a teaspoon of pee.
I get tired (this didn't even happen in the 1st trimester) every night around 7:00, but there's no way I can go to bed that early so I just push through it.
My feet have gotten wider! And they hurt all the time thanks to bad arches mixed with loosened ligaments. And the bottoms of them randomly itch throughout the day. Super uncomfortable, and itching them just tickles!
I'm starting to waddle! ahhh not the preggo waddle! But it's much better than the soreness I feel otherwise.
And of course, hungry = angry.

These aren't really complaints, because I still have been very blessed with this pregnancy. I know others have a MUCH harder time than I have, and I'm grateful it's been so easy.

Things that have yet to happen and hopefully won't:
Stretch marks on the belly.
Swelling and cankles.
Prurigo (itchy red bumps anywhere)

So at 34 weeks, Baby weighs about the same as a cantaloupe (almost 5 lbs) and he's almost fully developed. By week 37 he'll be considered full term. He seems to stay head-down a lot, and at some point soon he'll drop lower, causing me to really waddle. Starting next week I'll go to the doc once a week, and they will start checking to see if I'm dilated at all (woohoo, I've always wanted a strange man to get all up in my lady-business!)

I'm excited for my upcoming baby showers-  the ladies from church are throwing me one and my family is going to have one via Skype! I already feel SO spoiled and blessed though- people have given me (us) SO much. Tons of clothes, a crib, a bumbo, some toys, diapers, etc. I hope I can help another new mom like that someday.

Ready to meet this wiggly little guy! Here's to six more weeks of pregnancy bliss. ;)

Stay tuned for the name-reveal: coming to a blog near you!

6am Rib-kickin'

Image from this site.

Normally the baby doesn't keep me awake at night from his movements. I usually fall asleep to his little kicks and punches without any trouble, and then I wake up every few hours to roll from one sore hip to the other or go to the bathroom.

Sometimes Baby disagrees with me about what side I'm currently laying on, and kicks me in that side repeatedly until I turn over, at which point he calms down at stops attacking me.

This morning however, it didn't matter which side I was on. Starting around 6:00, Baby alternated between shoving his bony little butt and his feet into my ribcage. Over and over and over. You can only do so much when a foot is stuck in your ribs. I would push back with my hand to try and get him to move or stop, but as soon as I took my hand away he would do it again.

So I lay awake enduring this little game of pushing on each other for about half an hour before he finally stopped. But by then it was too late. I had been awake long enough for my body to realize it was hungry. You've tried to fall asleep hungry, right? It's not very easy. But there was no way I was getting up at 6:30 with no job to get ready for. So I tried and tried to ignore the hungry and go back to sleep, and finally I did, sometime around 7:00. But there were definitely many grumblings of "this is all your fault, you little stinker!" in the meantime.

And my ribs are sore.

Becoming Daddy

I've always thought Nate would be an awesome dad someday. He's great with kids, and half the time we went to hang out with our friends the Phillips, he usually spent more time playing with their two little boys than sitting around with us boring adults.

Sledding with Joe

He's always been pretty open about how he prefers kids to babies, because newborns make him feel uncomfortable. I think that's pretty normal though, and I know I'm still not 100% comfortable with newborns- they just seem so fragile! So I think he worried that it would still be a little hard for him when we had our own, too- at least until they grew up a little.

I started to feel better about babies when I met my niece Traci for the first time. [I'd held my other niece and nephew right after they were born, but I don't think that as a 12 year old I was thinking about this stuff too much. Plus, they were uber-swaddled and therefore pretty safe to handle.] I was excited to hold Traci, but also a little nervous. She was just so small! But I couldn't resist that pretty little face. After holding her the first time, I never wanted to put her down.

I remember that it took Nate a day or two before he would hold her. I offered her to him once, and he simply said, "no thanks." I didn't think too much of it- I knew he would when he was ready.

And when he did, it was love at first sight.

I don't know what he's laughing about in this photo, but I will never forget how Nate looked at her when he first held her. There is nothing more attractive in a man than seeing him play with kids or hold a baby. All you see is "Awesome Future Father." And I totally did. Even if he wasn't sure how he'd do as the father of a little baby, I was. He would be the best.

Later that night we talked about how much fun it would be to have our own kids someday, so I knew he was feeling better.

Now he is the beloved favorite uncle of both Traci and her little sister, Carmen. When we all get together, Traci wants to play with Unta Nate the whole time. And Carmen's sweet little face brightens up every time he smiles at her (sometimes I suspect it may just be the beard...) and Nate absolutely loves his little nieces. Sometimes I think he even seems more comfortable chillin' with Carmencita in his lap than playing with the toddler. Maybe subconsciously it's because he knows his own baby is on the way?

This ain't a guy who's uncomfortable with babies.

Anyway, it's been fun for me to get to watch Nate grow used to the little ones. I've always known he was good with kids, and I've always suspected he would be fine with babies- but now I have no doubt. And I'm so glad that he is the father of my children, because I couldn't think of a better role model for them. Nate is fun, silly, adventurous, intelligent, and kind. He is respectful. He is giving, patient, understanding, and forgiving. He loves his family. He loves to teach and explore. And he takes very good care of his wife.

Our little guy hasn't even been born yet, but I think one of the greatest parts of becoming a mother is watching my husband become a father.

A Little Bit of Everything

School: In case you haven't heard, or didn't know what the "Little Apple" meant, Nate and I are moving to Kansas! He was accepted to their graduate program in Agronomy and starts this Fall. We have a Bar Mitzvah to go to out there at the end of July, so that is probably when we'll go ahead and make our move. That will be nice 'cause my parents are going to the Bar Mitzvah too, and can therefore help us out! Convenient, I think. There's no place for a car seat in a U-haul, so Baby and I will probably fly out. Driving with a kid who has to eat every 2 hours or so? Not happening.

Anyway, the professor that Nate will be working with seems really nice- he even helped us get in touch with some church members that have helped us figure out a few housing options. The professor is LDS too... so that's nice too. Nate is going to fly out in a couple weeks to finally meet him in person, check out campus, and do any other paperwork they might need to make this whole thing "officially official." We're very happy because K-State was Nate's top choice for grad school. We really wanted him to go there because: the professor knew Nate's mentor-prof from BYU and came highly recommended; Nate will be paid a stipend for his work on the research project they will be doing; tuition will basically be covered; Nate will be able to be a graduate TA (or whatever it's called) to bring in a little more money; the stupid GRE wasn't a requirement for admission, so he didn't have to take it! Plus it's close to a bunch of my family that I don't currently get to see very often, so I'm especially excited about that. Sunflower State here we come!

Subbing: As you know, Nate and I have both been substitute teaching for a couple months. Some days aren't that bad, and others are just plain awful. I feel so old saying this, but kids these days! Sheesh. Who knew that 6-10 year olds could be so disrespectful? Sometimes we get nothing done because I have to spend a ton of time getting them regrouped. First-graders are the worst! Every thirty seconds a different one is tugging at your shirt saying "teeeacher?" And I can't use sarcasm with them because they don't get it yet! I usually sub at the school where my mom teaches, often in 4th grade, and that's better... but yeah, they can be such a pain. I usually come home pretty exhausted and not wanting to take a job for the next day. Luckily since I'm in the same grade at the same school most often, the kids are doing better with me. But when you go into a completely new class- and the elementary students out here rotate classes for different subjects- there is very little time to establish authority. I have plenty of stories to share, but I'll save those for later, since this is going to be a long post anyway. At least it's an income!

Church: Speaking of subbing for 1st graders, Nate and I are now the teachers for the 5-year old Sunday school class. Luckily there are only 7 of them, and they are much easier to handle. Though some of them like to cling on me, which gets irritating. I have a big belly, I'm already uncomfortable without someone else's kid tugging at my arms and resting their head on me!

Image from babycenter.com

Baby! I'm now at 30 weeks, and everything continues to go just fine. This kid is still super active. I read somewhere that you should count how many times Baby moves in one hour, so I did. It said to include every single movement- ie: every hiccup vs. a case of hiccups. Guess how many times he moved? 127. In 60 minutes. So an average of two kicks/somersaults/hiccups every minute! It's usually more than that per minute, with a break for a minute or two here and there. But I'm glad he's active, and I doubt that will change once he's out! He's going to keep us very busy, I am sure. One night Nate had his hand on my belly and Baby had a little spazz attack- it feels like he's kicking and pounding his fists and shaking his head all at the same time, or doing a flip or something- and Nate said, "How can you ever think about anything else?!" I just laughed. I can't! That's why I suddenly say "ow!" and clutch at my side or gasp all the time! At least Nate can sort of understand, having felt some of these crazy kicks himself.

I had to do the dreaded Glucose Tolerance Test a few weeks ago. Everyone always talks about how disgusting the drink is, and how they can't imagine ever drinking orange soda ever again. It really was not that big of a deal. And that's exactly what it tasted like! Flat orange soda. So what? I think the hard part is that you can't eat or drink anything afterward until they take your blood, and I did want to wash the stuff down with a good drink of water. But I lived. Your blood has to be taken pretty much exactly one hour after you finish the drink, or it can mess up the results- they want to know how much of the glucose has been integrated? is that the right word? into your system in that amount of time. So when I went in and the NP checked my belly and Baby's heartbeat and then left the room, I sat waiting for the phlebotomist to come in a take my blood. I waited... and waited... wondering whether this was going to happen on time or not, because even though the drink wasn't as terrible as I'd heard, I did not particularly want to drink it again. So finally someone sticks their head in and says, "aren't you supposed to get your blood drawn?" I said yes, but nobody hsa come in to do it. Well, apparently I was supposed to magically know without anyone telling me to go down the hall to their lab. So I rushed over and made it just in time- a minute or two more and they would have had me do it all over again. If I'd had to come back, that NP would be on my poop list! Why didn't she tell me to go down there? Some of us have only been pregnant once, and don't get their blood drawn every day.

ANYway... The glucose test/Gestational Diabetes is the only thing I've really been nervous about with this pregnancy. I know I'm thin and fairly healthy and blahblah, so I "shouldn't worry about it," but I know a couple people that I would categorize the same way who did have GD. And my oldest sister had it, so that made me nervous too. I've been trying to eat less sugar and less carbs in order to avoid it, but honestly- carbs are delicious, and I eat them a lot. So when I went back in for my next appointment, I was super relieved and even a little excited to hear that I passed the glucose test! By a lot! The nurse said that my blood sugar level of 83 gave me bragging rights (if its above 130 they do more extensive tests) and that I was the "picture of a perfect pregnancy." I wasn't even close to 130! I felt really good about that.

I really have had a great, easy pregnancy. I hear the last trimester is the longest, most uncomfortable time- here's to ten or twelve more weeks of everything going well, and a happy healthy baby boy!

I'll try to be better about blogging so my posts aren't so long next time. Also, check out my Book Blog! I've been good about posting there so far, so I will try to do the same here.

Braxton Hicks

Braxton Hicks contractions are weird! And slightly uncomfortable. I'd heard of them before I was pregnant, but I didn't realize they start so soon. I assumed they didn't happen until much farther along- closer to 38 weeks or something. I have learned, however, that they technically can start as early as 6 weeks, though most people don't feel them until later. According to my pregnancy book (Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy - which I recommend), these "practice contractions" help train your body for labor. I started feeling them not long after I really started to show- as early as 14 weeks, I think, though not too frequently. I didn't really realize what they were at first- but sometimes when I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, my whole stomach was hard as a rock. Again- weird. I asked my sister and she knew exactly what it was.

Now that I'm farther along, I have Braxton Hicks more often- random times throughout the day, every few hours or so. And they are still weird! Having your entire stomach randomly harden for half a minute is something I still haven't gotten used to. They aren't painful or super uncomfortable yet, but if I don't realize it's happening right away and bend over or sit down or something, the compression on my stomach is a little unpleasant. Just hope they stay relatively infrequent- don't want them to happen too often, cause that could mean preterm labor. So far though, so good!

Also haven't quite gotten used to the tiny little knees and elbows knocking around in there, pushing out against my belly or kicking my bladder. This child is super active. He moves more than he stays still, and maybe it's because I'm relaxing, but his favorite time to play is when I want to sleep. That's when I tend to feel the hardest kicks. The best is when he pushes out against opposite sides of my belly at the same time. Every once in a while I fail to stifle an "eep!" when he kicks me really hard, or does what feels like a somersault, and Nate looks at me like I'm crazy. He doesn't know what it feels like, and it can be totally surprising! Once, he felt Baby move a whole bunch in a short time, and when I told him it was like that all day long he said, "how can you think about anything else??" to which I replied, "I can't!" You can see my belly move around now too. Sometimes when church is particularly boring (shh!) and Baby is wiggly, I watch my stomach spontaneously twitch. It's pretty entertaining, and a little freaky. Not going to lie- I was watching it this morning before I got out of bed, and the movie Alien definitely crossed my mind. Sometimes I think he's trying to bust his way out. Sorry buddy, you've got to cook a little longer!

Fetal Echo-Cardiogram

So a couple weeks after the ultrasound we went back to have a fetal echo-cardiogram done. Since Nate was born with a heart complication (coarctation of the aorta), we wanted to see if Baby could possibly have it too.

It's basically another ultrasound, but they focus specifically on the heart and check every little part of it. Every valve, ventricle, artery, etc. They check the blood flow and listen to his heartbeat from every angle imaginable. The tech kept murmuring "oh good," "great," and other such things, so I was feeling pretty good. Then at the end she said that everything looked normal and healthy and she didn't see any sign of a coarctation!

I wasn't ever too worried about it, because his condition is congenital and therefore less likely to be passed on genetically, but we wanted to find out anyway, just in case. Even though we weren't too worried, it was still a relief to know everything was fine.

I am so grateful for modern technology that can look at my baby before he's even born and give me peace of mind that everything is going well with his development. Only 3 months to go!

Ultrasound

Ok, so it's been a while since we had the ultrasound, but I'm finally going to write about it!

I was 22 weeks. Mom and Dad got to come with us, which was neat because my mom hasn't seen an ultrasound since she was pregnant with me! And apparently it's a lot more high-tech now than it was 25 years ago. I was so excited to get to see my little one squirming around and to find out the sex! Everyone in my family suspected it was a boy- I think that may just be because we all wanted it to be a boy- and we would have been shocked to find out it was a girl. But he's definitely a boy! And not a shy one, either. Some may be curious, but I'm not going to post his little-boy parts on the internet for the world to see. Just 'cause he's still in the womb doesn't mean he'd be ok with that! Here's his cute little face instead.

I was fascinated by the ultrasound- even to the point of considering becoming a tech myself! What a cool and interesting job. I was told they "look at everything," during the ultrasound, but I had no idea how literal that was. They really DO look at EVERYTHING. It was so awesome! They looked at his heart, lungs, spine, brain, kidneys, etc etc... And then they checked for his hands and feet, and made sure they could see all his fingers and toes. He's got ten of each! One of my favorite parts, and something I'll never forget, was while she was looking for his toes. He was holding his big toe in his little hand and wouldn't let go of it. It was pretty clear there was a toe in there, but I guess the tech has to actually see it to record it, so she kept jostling the wand around my belly, bouncing it to try and get him to let go. He's already pretty stubborn, because it took a minute. It was adorable. I didn't think of it till afterward, but I wish she had printed the photo of that. Oh well. Just seeing the baby move around makes everything way more real, but seeing him do something so.... human? baby-ish? as grabbing his big toe made it even more real than that. There is a little person in there! And he's going to have his own personality. I already love him.

He also kept kicking the lady's hand wherever she had the wand. What a little stinker!

Afterwards we called all immediate family members to tell them a little boy is on the way. Dorsey girls screamed - one may have even teared up a little - and everyone on my side said, "we knew it!" even though nobody really knew it. It was fun.