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This is the best, most hilarious email I've ever gotten. Even funnier when read out loud. Enjoy.

WAX is "Not your Friend"

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious..Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

*Hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!! !!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.


Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Sigh of Relief

I just turned in the last, and most stressful item of a fairly stressful week. On Tuesday I had an Art History test, yesterday I had an Italian test, and today I had an 8-10 page paper due in my Art history class. The tests are done and the paper has been turned in, so all the stresses of this week are over! yay. That is what I am grateful for today. And I'm grateful that now I can do the dishes that have been neglected due to the aforementioned list. And I'm grateful that I have some time now to relax before rushing off to work. Phew!

Cancer Free

Well, I finally went and got my stitches taken out, and got the pathology report for my mole. Apparently it was irregular and inflamed, but there was no sign of any cancer. Phew! I'm somewhat irritated though, from waiting for an hour and ten minutes for a procedure that took a whopping 30 seconds. I mean come on! Oh well. At least I don't have cancer. I'm grateful for that.

The Car

Yes, as you've seen, we got a new car! It's a 2005 black Honda Element EX, and its pretty much the coolest car ever. Isn't it beautiful!? Sara named it Bagheera. Fitting, huh?

Now, why is this the perfect car for us? Not only is it SUPER roomy and comfortable, but look what it can do!

Yes, those are the back seats, folded up against the windows. Do you know how many mountain bikes can fit back there?? And they can even stay standing up! But wait, there's more.
You can fold all the seats completely flat and you basically have a full-size bed. Pretty much the perfect car for camping.
Look how much room there is when you open the doors! Perhaps the best part of our new car is that its automatic so that means I can drive it! No more fussing over trying to be good at manual, yuck! This car is going to last us for a long time, or at least that's the plan!

Umm..

Tonight I'm feeling thankful for my fun coworkers. I laughed SO much at work today, and that makes the time go by much faster.
I'm also thankful for the Moosetracks ice cream I'm about to eat.
And I'm thankful for our freakin' sweet new Honda Element, cause it is dang awesome.

I hate Winter...

BUT I'm thankful that the sun is finally deciding to peek out over frozen, snowy Provo.

I'm thankful to have warm clothes to wear so I don't get hypothermia.

I'm thankful to have ear muffs so my ears don't get Frost Bite and fall off.

AND I'm thankful that Nate and I are probably getting a new car (Honda Element, w00t!) this week so I can actually drive it and not ride my bike everywhere, in the snow.

Deeelicious!

So, I guess I'm on a posting spree today, but I promise this is the last one. These are my favorite cookies ever!! (Sorry Mom, I still love your choc. chip too...)

Make them and feel the love.

Cocoa Crackles
1 1/2 cups flour
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
Powdered sugar (a few spoonfuls)

1. Preheat oven to 350. Lightly grease cookie sheets (if necessary). Combine flour, cocoa, salt, and baking soda in medium bowl.
2. Beat butter, sugar, and brown sugar in large bowl with electric mixer until light and fluffy. Add eggs and vanilla; beat until well blended. Add flour mixture; beat until just blended.
3. Place powdered sugar in a shallow bowl. Shape dough into 1-inch balls. Roll in powdered sugar, cover liberally. Place 1-2 inches apart on baking sheets.
4. Bake about 11 minutes or until set and no longer shiny. Cool on cookie sheets, then on wire racks.
5. Enjoy!

(Also try Jessie's Chocolate Snappers if you're feeling ambitious!)

"Strawberry Fields" my Hiney!

So, I bought this yummy-looking, healthy cereal the other day, thinking that well, it would be yummy and healthy. I mean, just look at the box! Bursting with berry-deliciousness, right?

WRONG.

Upon pouring my first bowl of this cereal, I was quite disappointed. Not only are the flakes just plain blechy, but you get about one icky dried strawberry per bowl. Pretty pathetic! That filthy box is so deceiving!

Here's what you really get. Sad day.

So, before you are deceived by this appealing box of cereal, think twice. And if you want a GOOD healthy and fruity cereal, I recommend Total Cranberry Crunch. You actually get some honey-rific clusters and cranberry goodness in EVERY bite.

Giving Thanks

So, since it's now November, I think it would be fitting to try and write a post about something I'm thankful for every day.
...Or close to every day.

Today I am thankful that my sis is going to add a new little person to our family. He or she is no doubt going to be stinkin' adorable.
And I'm thankful that I have a wonderful husband who spoils me for no reason (he just bought me a Nintendo 64! haha, awesome.)
And I'm thankful that I saved all the info that proves I actually paid the $105 that my old landlady took out of our deposit cause we "didn't pay it," so now we can make them give it back to us.
And I'm thankful for beautiful flowers (also given to me from the hubby).
AND I'm thankful that the girls in my new ward are so welcoming and wonderful and I can't wait to make them all my friends.

Wee!