Listerine Man

My grocery store is a most exciting place to work.

A few weeks back, I was nonchalantly chillin' in my little checkstand, waiting for a customer to purchase something, when I noticed my two supervisors looking very interested in something out of my view. About two seconds later, a large, shirtless, minty-scented man with a beer belly hanging over his belt came to my line. My supervisors were there instantly, to make sure he didn't do anything weird, but they were too late. To my surprise, the man was holding an open bottle of Listerine, and before I could realize what was happening, he nearly re-baptized me when he began pouring it all over his face and body. This was accompanied by a shrill, "OW, my eyes! This better not ruin them!"

Supervisor: Sir, you're going to have to pay for that... [reaches for the bottle to scan it]

Listerine Man: [jumps back] DON'T touch me!!

Supervisor: I just need the bottle to ring it up..

At this point I quickly moved out of my checkstand and invited my supervisor to take the purchase. I was somewhat frightened by the crazy man who I assumed was already drunk and trying to get another quick alcohol fix. The man handed over the Listerine, followed by a soaking wet $20. As he left, my supervisor told him he needed to be wearing a shirt the next time he came in. As if that was the biggest issue.

We called the police to have them look for the man, to make sure he didn't harm himself or others in his drunken state- in the meantime many other customers asked me what was going on with the man outside pouring Listerine on himself. It took a few minutes for the shock to wear off.

Apparently the man had started his little cleansing process over on the Listerine aisle before coming to my checkstand, and my supervisors had been carefully watching him to see what would happen next. Then the police got back to us after finding the man wandering the streets and had some information to make the situation that much more interesting.

First, they followed him in their car as he walked up the street. When the man realized he was being followed, he began to speed up. The police caught up to him and asked what he was trying to do. His response? Looking for a good place to pull over. Naturally. Then they asked him about his Listerine shower. Well, someone had spat on the man (supposedly) and the Listerine was to protect him from getting Herpes. Naturally.

The police told us that this man was neither drunk nor high- he is merely crazy, and they have dealt with him in other random situations like this. I have not seen him since, but hopefully he's ok.

It only took three hours for the minty-freshness to fade from the store.

Then, about two weeks ago, I was in my checkstand helping a customer when a huge CRASH!! made me jump out of my skin. I turned to see a large section of the front wall of our store moved forward and separated from the rest of the wall. A shelf of keys, watch batteries, and hearing aids had jumped forward about 4 feet, and I could see the parking lot outside. A 16 year old girl with her Learner's Permit had just rammed through the store in her huge truck.

My grocery store is a most exciting place to work.