10.11.2012

Logan

Hey friends.

Sorry for the lack of blogging this last week. I had plans and ideas- a few saved drafts- but each time I logged into blogger or started to write, I just couldn't bring myself to finish.

You see, last week my sister was 15 1/2 weeks pregnant. 
And now she's not.

She lost her sweet little baby boy.
They named him Logan.

Ever since then all of my posts have seemed so mundane and trivial. Unimportant mush. How can I write a post about how cold it is in Kansas already, or what cool shoes I'm currently coveting, or, perhaps worst, how my own little boy is seemingly progressing into toddler-hood much too early?

Why can't the whole world stop for a little while to let people grieve, instead of just running along as if something completely earth-shattering and devastating hasn't just happened?

I'm sad for my sister. I'm sad for my brother in law. I'm sad for their daughters, who won't get to pick on and spoil their little brother. I'm sad that I don't get to meet my nephew. I'm sad that he doesn't get to be Tommy's little buddy. I'm sad that all the things my sister and I dreamed about for our boys won't happen.

But at the same time I'm grateful that families are eternal. I don't know when exactly during pregnancy a spirit enters a body, but I believe that Logan's little spirit is up in heaven, keeping an eye on his family. And I believe that someday they will all be reunited, and Cait and Chase will get to raise their son.

And I hope that someday Cait will get to have another little boy- a healthy, happy child who will bring her family much joy in this life. She is a wonderful mother, and her children are so lucky to have her.

When I first found out, I cried and hugged my little Tommy tighter than he probably liked. I am so blessed to have him. And all week, when he has been fussy or awake in the middle of the night, or refusing to eat solid food and basically making me frustrated, I have had a completely new perspective.  I have tried to be more patient. It's ok if he is frustrating sometimes, because that means I have him.

Caity, I hope I'm not writing this too soon for you. My heart aches for you all. And please know that even though I will continue posting about things that don't "really" matter, my world and my perspective on life have been changed.

I love you.

3 comments:

lacy-talbot said...

Dearest Beth and Caity,
What a difficult and emotional time for your families. I know exactly what your feeling. We lost a little boy at 16 weeks before having Diana and I still think of him and his milestones... based on his being a year older than Diana. My kids bought a bear to remember their little brother by and we all look forward to that day when we will be reunited with him. For now, we all continue to think of him, dream of him and talk about him. It always amazes me when one of the kids will refer to their little / big brother and it warms my heart to know that they love him. Try to remember that this is not an ending... merely an interruption. Love, Aunt Victoria

Ashley Kelly said...

That is so hard. My sister-in-law has had quite a few miscarriages. She is currently pregnant with a little boy, and we are all praying that she will be able to carry the baby full term this time. It is such a hard thing to deal with. Prayers go out to your sister and her family.

Beth Dorsey said...

Oh I hope everything works out for your sister! Pregnancy troubles are the worst.